I am a massive fan of The Hills (sans Kristen Cavallari). I love reality tv because I love the aspect of getting attached to and analysing the behaviour of characters that are actual people (questionable I know hehe). I especially love Lauren Conrad, not just because of her sweet LA girl style but also because, I felt more attached to her as a character because her friendship values matched my own. I too prefer to have a connection to people I can call "best friends" rather than be that collector of people. The only thing that maybe I dont agree with is her pushiness. I have best friends that play different roles in my life, that all represent different aspects of my personality. I have a friends that will always sit and listen to my drama and actually be interested (Whitney's), friends that I've known for years that I'm very similar to (Lo's), friends that I share my emotions with and we'd both drop what we're doing to be there in times of need (Audrina's). And then I started to think... do I have any Heidi's?
Image sourced from Goole ImagesWe've all at some point known that girl that has abandoned or fallen out with her friends or changed dramatically as a person after entering into a new relationship. Some of us have even been that girl. Don't get me wrong when you get into a relationship, especially one that becomes serious, I do accept the fact that the loss of a few friendships here and there on both sides does tend to occur. Especially if you feel as if you're around people that don't respect your change in circumstances or have malicious feelings towards your relationship. But when choosing to distance yourself from true friends, as a girl, you have to make sure you are benefiting more from the loss in comparison to what you're losing.
Images from "The Hollywood Gossip"
As The Hills fans would have remembered once Heidi entered into her new relationship Lauren wasn't immediately negative towards the blossoming romance. It was only once Lauren saw Spencer's lack of morality is where she made the "mistake" of being honest with her best friend about her feelings for her new beau. Heidi herself seemed to be swept up in a whirlwind that many women do when dating a guy with a usual reputation for being a player. She begun to feel special that the "former" Lothario was concentrating his efforts on her as opposed to every women in LA. Despite issues that arose between her and friend Audrina about where Spencer's affections lay, and actually catching him in action flirting whilst presuming she was out of LA. Heidi still allowed herself to become susceptible to Spencer's charms.
Images from tonicgossip.comHeidi then begun to become confused by Spencer's "us against the world" attitude in regards to their relationship. She started to believe that everyone around her was conspiring to rip apart her perfect relationship with a man who made her feel special, and to quote Rhianna, like the only girl in the world. You can psycho analyse this and blame it on a lack of confidence on Heidi's part, a lack of fulfillment within herself which allowed her to feed off the boosts in confidence she received from Spencer. Along with that Spencer then proceeded to cement the end of her relationship with Lauren and any other friends within that circle by pushing Heidi into a living arrangement she may not have been ready for. And then further damaging things by creating a rumour about her former bff, which was the last straw for Lauren who famously told Heidi "I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you".
Image from refolis.comOnce the finality of the friendship became apparent, Spencer then begun to exercise his control over Heidi within her job, her family and within her appearance. If you notice, even before Heidi's famous 10 operations in 24 hours, her image had already taken a drastic change to the Heidi known before. She had less of a fresh beachy look, that incorporated very little make up and shoulder length tousled hair. Then all of a sudden it was hair extensions, false lashes, heavy bronzer and Chanel bags. Not that any of those are a bad thing, but they were a far cry from humble Heidi from Colorado, in fact that Heidi seemed to have been buried by what looked like Heidi the playmate... which coincidentally is the look Spencer was most attracted to in the start of his romance with Heidi.
Images from GoogleAnyway before I bore you all with anymore Hills trivia, my point wasn't to review series one to five of the tv show. It was actually to point out key blind spots most girls don't see when slowly alienating their good friendships for the sake of a new romance.
- Point One:
- Point Two: If you are dating someone with a reputation of being a ladies man, by being aware of this reputation and continuing on with the relationship you are whole heartily taking a risk with your heart. I am not saying that a man with a previous history of not taking other women seriously cannot change dependant on the feelings he has for you. But be aware that his reformation will be a constant test of your security within your relationship, and as a woman. Don't be naive, if you are constantly being made aware of his defects in character regarding fidelity by different sources, then they cant all be out to sabotage your relationship. Maybe you are being warned because most people recognize that you shouldn't be in a relationship with this person. And most importantly please believe, most times than not there is no smoke without fire. If it seems dodgy and feels dodgy than its quite possible that you've got a dog on your hands. And if you don't realise its time to leave, that's your business. But please don't allow yourself any illusions that people are "hating on" or jealous of you when giving you information about your partners history or current antics. They are most likely filled with utter pity for you or are finding your resistance to see the truth laughable.
- Point Three: If you choose to be in a relationship with a man, by all means you should look up to him, respect him, and think beautiful lovely things about him. But you need to be aware that he is human and to the rest of us, just another guy. One of the mistakes some women make is to have false idolisation of their partner and think of their relationship as what defines them, to the point where they believe the rest of us do also. One thing a woman needs to be able to do if she is in fact a woman is to recognize and deal with the flaws of the person their involved with and to face and admit them. And to also understand that the rest of us aren't losing any sleep over what your man thinks or feels about us or life. Friends should always want to get to know and have some form of communication with someone who is a massive part in your life. But that is your life. I cant tell you the amount of moments I've encountered with people who don't seem to understand the insignificance their partner plays in the lives of others. Having a false sense of arrogance about your relationship is extremely unattractive and will push others away.
- Point Four: Control in a relationship is not necessary nor is it healthy. At some points we all experience the brunts of someones standards or insecurities, in regards to what they will and will not expect from their relationships. I understand that in many ways people will need to change habits and relations they have within their social lives and with people from the opposite sex. But as a person you should still be able to be a functional member of society whilst still maintaining a loving relationship. If at any point you feel as if you are having to give up alot of aspects to your life just to please your partner, you need to communicate to them that it isn't possible for you to stop living just to live up to their ideals. Someone who loves you, wants to see you happy and when taking you on they also take on those factors that make you happy. That includes your family, your goals and aspirations and your true friends. Someone who feels threatened by any of those things, is incredibly selfish and has no care for your feelings as a person let alone someone they are supposed to love.
- Point Five: This is my last and probably my most important point. If you at any point do not feel physically comfortable with your appearance because of your relationship, or if your partner is encouraging you to make drastic changes to how you look just to suit their own image ideals, then I can boldly tell you that you are in a bad relationship. As a woman you should never have to feel physically inadequate because of someone your dating, us girls are living in such an image conscious age that gives us enough pressure without the added misery of feeling ugly to the man in our lives. Or if the lack of security in your relationship is causing you to feel physically unhappy with yourself and forcing you to consider altering your appearance then please try to confide in someone around you that you trust immediately. Failing that I urge you to speak to you GP or family doctor about any counselling available for you in your area. I have no issues with a woman giving herself an image revamp, or in fact considering cosmetic surgery, but I believe you should only do this when you are feeling secure and happy in every other aspect of your life.
I hope you guys enjoyed this post. I know its rather long so if you made it to here I'm very impressed. Please let me know your feelings and opinions on the points and issues raised in this post. And of course if you would like to talk further away from here please don't hesitate to email me firstname.lastname@example.org
Wishing all you beautiful ladies a fantastic day